I'm Fine

I wrote this about a month ago. We are on the mend now and feeling a lot more peaceful, but I did want to share with you. Maybe you can relate and know just how I was feeling. 

Have you ever sat among a group of friends, laughing, talking, sharing and inside you know you're hiding something.

Not necessarily hiding it.

Just not talking about it.

Keeping it in.

Maybe it's to raw

or too embarrassing or too....something.

You don't want to kill the mood

or draw all the attention or explain yourself.

So you just sit there, with a smile and participate.

Talk. Laugh. Smile. Listen.

Then it gets to you.

Someone asks how you're doing, what's new and there it is....

your opportunity to share, to express your heart.

All you can say is, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Doing well.

Great.

Man.... you missed it.

Next person is talking.

Maybe if you started talking about it, you wont stop crying.

Ugly, open mouth, shoulders bouncing type of cry.

And in front of everyone.

And not everyone knows you all that well.

Have you ever been there?

I was there today.

I know it sounds dramatic.

And, to you, and most, this is probably not that bad.

We found out I was pregnant on Wednesday.

I started bleeding on Monday.

I was no longer pregnant on Tuesday.

Thursday we found out it was a chemical pregnancy.

Have you ever had one?

It's when you have a fertilized egg that doesn't implant.

I am grateful it wasn't a full-on miscarriage.

I am grateful it was so soon after we found out.

I am grateful we hadn't seen an ultrasound or a heartbeat and then lost the baby.

I do need to be honest though.

I am sad.

We were so thrilled to be pregnant

We started dreaming right away.

Boy or girl?

Needing to prep for the early months of sickness.

"Kins, you ready to be a big sister?"

I made her a shirt that said "Big Sis"

We told some family.

Talking on names.

Stopped drinking caffeine

or eating lunch meat.

Made a doctors appointment.

Already pulling the pregnant card.

Then boom.

stop the dreaming.

for now at least.

I know it would have been much harder to lose a baby after seeing an ultrasound or hearing a heart beat. I couldn't imagine that loss.

I'm not trying to say it's the same.

But it's still sad.

This was written right after we lost the pregnancy.
I was really sad and weepy.
We are doing better now.
I just want to be pregnant.
But we are waiting.

I also wanted to share a little of "real life" with you.
Blogs can be so cheery and happy and unicorny...but sometimes life is NOT that way.
So, things get hard and trials come, but we are still praising the Lord.